Goodbye. Again & Again

How fortunate am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

Goodbyes are cruel and emptying, but would we truly appreciate our time together if we didn’t know what it was like to be away, to be be fulfilled? My time away from you teaches me how much I love time with you.

I’ve said goodbye too many times (a third extended time due to military orders), each time wishing it was the last. There’s an odd sense of gratitude that often accompanies goodbyes. It’s as if I truly experience gratitude in the fullest sense. I suppose we only appreciate such things when on the cusp of losing them.

My house felt more like a home when I locked it for the last time

It’s also a painful reminder of other things.

I experienced a heart wrenching divorce and the experience of failure and the belief that I had single-handily caused mounting pain on another human being is a burden I’d never wish on someone. Mirrors became my nemesis as I refused to look myself in the eyes. As I writhed in shame, I took to a corner where I hid from the world. I got rid of everything, because I felt I deserved everything, but anything.

…depressed yet? Let’s fast forward to today.

I am not one to wallow longer than necessary, that’s a courtesy of my mom’s upbringing. I spent the next few years post-divorce completing grad school, moving up in a social work job serving veterans, building a home, completing my enlistment, and healing from my own trauma.

I’m not going to lie, I had become attached to the things I knew I had to leave. To leave my home, career, relationships, and others felt eerily similar to my divorce. I’ve lost too much before.

“There’s a capitalist principle that you’re engaging in called Creative Destruction” my friend mentioned. The principle implies actively destroying items in order to create something anew. Losing my home, job, relationships, and others to create something beautiful and in line with my dreams. The term is flexible and has psychological applications. When I actively sacrifice something, my mind is apt for creating something anew.

I’ve done enough creative destruction to build the Empire State Building.

Some goodbyes are more finite.

My friends, my family, my son.

Saying goodbye is more like saying I love you.

My Friends. You taught me that friendship is more than sharing laughter and commonalities. You taught me I have a place in this world, and I have a place in yours. I reflect gratitude more so for my best friends, Chewy and Emac.

My Family. I’ve learned sincere admiration for you. They have loved me and supported me unconditionally, despite my efforts to dodge them. I’m blessed to have my Mom, Dad, Aliesha, and Karleigh.

My Son. I brought you into this world, but you gave me a reason to flourish in it. I love you for what you taught me and can only hope that I can continue to make you proud to call me your Daddy.

And I’m still wondering where you got those beautiful blue eyes from

Home is the starting point for hope, dreams, and love. It’s feels good to leave home, but it feels even better to come back.

I’ve learned a lot from the goodbyes, the most important being that home isn’t a place. Home is a feeling. I’m grateful to carry this feeling into a world that I’ve yet to discover.